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|Selling our Geekhood||Before|
Venar's Point, God damn. The funeral was one thing but then getting the house,
that's something totally different. I was glad they thought of me and gave me the house
when my parents left to retire but still. It's the same old place but not really.
All the same old places and faces are here but they are a bit different, not quite the
same and not exactly as I remember them.
I guess that's the fate, leave and come back and suddenly everything is here and yet it isn't.
I miss the older more innocent days, when the pool hall was a pool hall and not some store. I spent so much time there and I met so many people and now it's all gone. People who had been dating are... well some aren't talking and others are married.
Well only one group is married.
It's like my life is all over. I don't have a job and I can't be a writer so what do I have,what do I have? I'd like to have all the things that I lost. All those things I should have already become but now I'm not. I was suppose to be a great writer by now, a person of note, someone that had been published except a tiny little book that wasn't really read.
I pause as I take the quarter and hold it over the water. I cup it and think. Concentrate and try to infuse that metal with my spirit and make it part of me. I tell the metal to carry my wish. My wish that I shall succeed where I couldn't before. I will find something that will make sense and I will no longer be just another person that doesn't have a goal.
Carry this outward and make my wish come true. Bring back to me something that
will make me more then what I am.
If you can't do that at least inspire me somehow. Inspire me to become something. Make me see something that I can't see now but give me something to work on, give me a muse because the one I had before isn't working anymore. How much more can I carry a corpse around with me and make it work? How much longer will it work?
Just make me find something more then what I've found.
And now I drop the coin into the water and hope something deep under the water, something that I can't see far below the surface hear's my wish and brings some kind of hope to me.
© Sal Ponce 2001